It’s now many months since I sold my Land Rover Discovery, and I still miss it. I get such a thrill from putting a 4×4 through its paces. There’s nothing on earth like it. You can’t drive a 4×4 well by trying to drive it quickly. It’s an entirely different discipline. Yet I grew to hate it.

Driving slowly has never been more fun!

The reason is the bad press that greenlaning gets. I was a good greenlaner. Damaging the terrain was something I did my utmost to avoid – unlike a lot of motorbike scramblers I saw and, sadly, other 4×4 owners. I drove gently. Unlike a LOT of scramblers I saw. I didn’t mind if I didn’t get stuck. Carnage I saw through the countryside sadly suggested that some 4×4 owners found greenlaning a bit boring, so they’d head off-piste to deliberately get stuck and have an opportunity to get the winch gear out.

That’s the biggest problem. I ended up feeling like I was trying to defend something with no real justification. One particularly angry farmer accosted me on a greenlane and asked me why I was doing it. I couldn’t really think of an answer. I mean, yes, he was wrong. We were on a greenlane, and so had every right to be there. I also have every right to say ‘your mother smells,’ thanks to freedom of speech. It doesn’t mean I should do it.

I would get very angry with ramblers and horse riders who frowned upon what we did. Especially the latter! I don’t know if you’ve encountered a group of horses on a narrow bridlepath when you are on foot, but it’s quite scary! Horses are big. They also make a real mess of soft ground, just like a 4×4. Yet I don’t go around complaining about it, because they have every right to be there. If I don’t want to deal with horses, there are plenty of footpaths that horses aren’t allowed on.

Yet when ramblers come trotting down a greenlane, it’s the 4×4 owner’s fault for disrupting the peaceful countryside and churning the ground up (more often due to water damage to be honest). If they don’t like it, why are they walking down a greenlane? It’s like walking around the M25 and complaining about the speeding cars.

Greenlaning. A great way to annoy just about everyone

Yet even my wife complained about greenlaning. It’s a hobby that really does annoy an awful lot of people. People in The Peak District are going to great lengths to get greenlaning banned altogether. I can entirely see why. I see columns of muddy vehicles revving engines as they pass through tiny villages. I see AND hear horribly noisy off-road motorbikes razzing around – why do they have to be so noisy? Every time I went greenlaning, I felt I was associating myself with people who just seemed to have no respect at all for anyone nor the countryside. No wonder folk want it banned.

I did find some solutions to the problem. Pay and Play sites weren’t it though. I found them too full of idiots charging around at high speed because they weren’t constrained by any sort of rules. That’s the biggest issue to be honest. I think too many people get into 4x4s because they want to charge around like they’re in a monster truck. That’s certainly the perception the wider public has, and I’ve certainly seen antics that only go and confirm that. Mainly at Pay and Play sites.

The best compromise I found was at a proper off-road centre. This was Landcraft in Bala, Snowdonia. Here, David Mitchell effectively takes people on a greenlaning trip but on private ground. No-one can complain, people tend to behave. It works REALLY well.

A Discovery on a Landcraft trip

In fact, the only issue was that it wasn’t cheap (for a skint bloke like me) and I had to drive all the way to Snowdonia to experience it (which also isn’t cheap in a 4×4). That was perhaps the largest problem. Owning a 4×4 for the two times a year I could get along on a Landcraft trip. It saddened me that this was the only way I could find to really enjoy just what a 4×4, even in standard form (I’m not into modifying). It’s why I felt I had no choice but to turn my back on the world of off-roading altogether. It’s very depressing.

I can see that one day greenlaning will be entirely banned. To be honest, some of the idiots who already spoil it deserve to be banned. It’s just a shame that those of us who wanted to quietly potter down a pretty, challenging lane will also find the lanes closed to us.

Greenlaning continues to divide opinion.

For once, this Blog Post is not just for ‘car people.’ From 1st October 2014, there are major changes to Road Tax – or Vehicle Excise Duty as it is properly known. These changes affect everyone. Are you clued up? Even if you’ve no interest in cars other than a way to get around, you need to understand the changes.

For a start, did you know that you must now tax a car at point of purchase? That means that you need to purchase road tax before you can drive away in your new car, or you face a substantial fine. The DVLA is manning its phoneline 24-hours a day, but this is still a palaver we motorists could do without. This ‘saving us from red tape’ the Conservatives keep harping on about is actually making life more difficult. Nice work! There’s progress for you.

Goodbye tax disc. And tacky disc holder.

So, when you buy your new car, even if it has a tax disc in the window (not required after October) and outstanding tax on it, you must purchase more road tax before you can drive it away. The DVLA phone number is 0300 790 6801. Thankfully, 0300 numbers are treated as geographical, so if you have free minutes on your mobile, you can call them free of charge. Alternatively, you can do it online or you’ll have to seek a Post Office. You must do this even if it’s a Historic Vehicle which qualifies for free road tax – incorrectly referred to as tax exempt.

In reality, as the DVLA won’t be informed of the driver change immediately (and therefore the car will shop up as taxed if the previous owner is due a refund) I’d take the chance on it and drive home anyway, as the ANPR cameras will still flag the vehicle up as taxed if the seller had some remaining. Alternatively, we’ll find a lot more cars are sold with SORN. Makes sense. If you’re selling a car, declare it SORN and get a refund while you wait for the car to sell. The only potential problem here is that you won’t be able to let anyone have a test drive as it’ll be illegal to use that vehicle on the road without trade plates. If you’re buying a car which is SORN, then you have no alternative but to purchase tax immediately before you can drive the vehicle.

If you’re selling a car, and it still has tax on it, you’ll get a refund when you send the V5 to the DVLA. It’s a major incentive to get that paperwork sent off ASAP! When selling a car, always make sure that it is YOU, the seller, who sends the V5 off. Never trust the buyer to do it – just give them the green slip that they need to tax the vehicle.

The one ‘benefit’ is that from 1st October, you will no longer have to display a tax disc. That’s because from 1st October, you won’t even be issued a tax disc. So, how do you check up on that dodgy-looking motor you’ve spotted? The revamped Vehicle Enquiry website may come in handy. It also tells you the MOT status, so snoopers can play away to their heart’s content.

I suppose some might argue that being able to pay by direct debit is an advantage. I disagree. Ok, it might spread the cost, but more and more new cars pay such small rates of VED that it’s of negligible benefit. It would be a far bigger advantage if they just ditched VED altogether. After all, the cars I love most are the cars that get clobbered particularly hard. My 1992 Rover 416SLi, with catalyst, still pays slightly more road tax than a Band I post-2001 car – ie one that’s a bit of a fuel guzzler. Such as the ridiculously named Mercedes-Benz 400 AMG Sport Plus 7G-Tronic Plus 333 2dr Auto. Why does my older car have to pay the same tax as a 328bhp, £50,000 new car? Seems rather unfair. It’s not even a dirty car! Frankly, the sooner VED is ditched altogether, the better our lives will be. It’s an outdated system that’s very unfair.

2CV meets are often remarkable, especially the larger ones. Attending the World Meeting of 2CV Friends in Sweden in 2007 remains an absolute highlight. However, this weekend just gone, I attended a 2CV meet that was so good, I’m only just able to write about it.

It turns out that combining the 2CVGB National with the Classic 2CV Racing Club’s 24-hour race was an absolute masterstroke! Of course, holding the event on Anglesey Circuit added to the magic. I’m not sure there’s a race track in the UK that sits in such a beautiful location. Certainly Snetterton in Norfolk can’t match it, which is probably why I’ve never been to a 2CV 24-hour race before. Or any race actually!

Getting there wasn’t without problems though. I’d mentioned on Facebook that the exhaust swan neck was looking a bit iffy. I was right to be concerned, and it fractured after just 20 miles of our 100 mile drive. I then stupidly spent ages repairing a small hole before noticing that it had indeed fractured completely. I bodged away with a roll of aluminium tape I handily found in the boot. This repair lasted five miles. After that, we lived with the noise.

Me and my materials of bodgery. Which I fitted wrongly…

When we got to the campsite, we pitched a tent, ate dinner, watched about 1.34 minutes of qualifying and then headed off for a ceilidh in the National’s marquee. This was brilliant and Blackbeard’s Tea Party didn’t disappoint. Nor did the stage, which turned out to be a converted Mk1 Ford Transit. Frustratingly, I got no good photos of it, so here’s a pic stolen from their website.

Mk1 Ford Transit van classic stage thing

Then there was more dancing and chat and stuff. We went to bed and worried our tent was going to blow away, even though it was far calmer than the previous night by all accounts. We arose feeling dreadful, so I set about repairing the exhaust. Then I realised I wasn’t going to get it fixed, so I went on a track parade with about 150 other 2CVs instead.

Parade time! Colourful.

Then I did finally replace the exhaust, purchased from the busy tent of ECAS 2CV Parts (this post really does have a lot of links!). Things were a lot quieter now, though perhaps that’s an odd thing to say about fitting an exhaust during a 24-hour race. The rest of the day was spent mooching, taking photos and wandering about the pits – where very little seemed to be happening. I did consider staying up all night, but racing in the dark is really boring! In fact, generally I found my attention span was about 20 minutes. So, we went to bed, wondering if we’d sleep with all that noise. Yes is the answer!

We got up again at 5:30am, just so we could watch the cars race against the rising sun. Turns out this was a VERY good idea!

Racing as the sun rises

The sky was dramatic as the 2CVs battled on and on. It got quite exciting too, with the lead changing several times in the final hours. Eventually, Team SeaLion took the victory by less than one lap. That’s after over 1300 miles of competition! The atmosphere was magical, as 2CV folk converged on the track for the finale. To be honest, anyone could have won. It didn’t really matter! The spectacle was appreciated by all.

It may have taken a long time to happen – 24-hour racing has occurred since 1990 – but thank goodness it finally did. Incidentally, at no point did the 2CVGB National involve a static display of cars – other than when cars formed up for the parade lap. This is a good thing! Wondering around the site allowed a chance to check out cars, but what made it truly exciting was having so much going on. I feel this event can only grow stronger from now on! The National next year takes place in May, but the 24-hour race will again return to Anglesey in August, and 2CVers are sure to be there in strong numbers! It just proves that nothing creates magic like cars in use.

My thanks go to all involved with making this event a success. Well done.

At the weekend, as well was enjoying the absolute brilliance that was The Classic 2cV Racing Club’s 24-hour race meeting the Deux Chevaux Club of Great Britain’s (2CVGB) National Rally, I got to look at a Citroen C4 Cactus.

Disappointment, yesterday (with regards to Sniff Petrol)

My Twitter feed has been awash with motoring folk gushing about how brilliant this car is. I find this very surprising as it seemed bloody awful to me. I don’t really think that painting a car an admittedly wonderful, eye-catching shade then sticking plastic all over it makes a car great. If it did, modified Saxos and Corsas wouldn’t get such a bad press. Things got worse when I opened the door. It seems that while Citroen have at least attempted to make the outside eye-catching, they just gave up inside. Like pretty much every other car on the market (bar the Fiat 500) the interior is just a sea of black plastic and material. It’s as inspiring as a Vauxhall Astra. Or even worse. A Volkswagen. It even has the same horrible plasticky smell we’ve come to expect of moderns. It’s hideously disappointing.

I truly despair that Citroen, a company famed (and occasionally lambasted) for its engineering has been lowered to this. The entire DS range available at the moment is just horrible. Adding a bit of blingy trim does not make a car interesting. The DS5 is comically woeful when it comes to the HUGE A posts and the thin sliver of a rear window. The rear wiper seems smaller than that on a 2CV windscreen. The DS5 is to visibility what Cadbury is to the world of teapots.

As a lover of classic Citroens, there’s no pleasure in the modern range at all. When the company you love starts marketing the C5 Mk2 as ‘reassuringly German,’ then you know it’s game over. They’re now just churning out the same old bland rubbish as anyone else.

I can now see why classic Mini fans get so annoyed about the modern incarnation. Modern ‘retro’ cars really have no link to the cars they attempt to recreate. A modern MINI has about as much common ground with the original as an i-pad has with a typewriter. Now, I’m not against the modern MINI (Countryman aside – it’s just vile) and welcome that it has been such a success for the UK, where the decent ones (ie not the Austrian-built Countryman) are built. I hate the crap ride, but that’s also a criticism I level at the original. They’re decent motors though, and proof that prestige needn’t be restricted to huge cars. It has the build quality that the Smart really should have had. They’re pretty nice to drive too, if you ignore the torque steer, suspension and that stupid huge central speedometer. Oh and the uncomfortable seats. Yeah, ok. I’m not really a fan, but I certainly don’t dislike them. They’re a whole lot less bland than most stuff.

But I can see why Mini fans get upset when the MINIs try to invade the party. There is no link between the two cars at all. One was a packaging triumph – a flawed triumph perhaps, but that’s what it was and people loved it. The new one is just a stylish marketing product and one that actually seems to generate a profit for its maker.

Where are today’s icons? What happened to bravery?

The same goes for the new Fiat 500. It’s very pretty, just like the original, and I imagine nowhere near as horrible to drive. You just can’t pretend that it’s like the original though. Yes, the styling cues are similar, but it’s a modern hatchback with modern running gear. It’s another marketing triumph.

And this annoys me. Marketing shouldn’t be given the final say in a car. It’s rarely a good thing. If marketing departments were listened to in the past, I doubt the original Mini would have been allowed to exist. The Range Rover would have been canned while it was still on the design board. Even when the Range Rover was launched, marketing had no idea what to do with it. Nothing like it existed. Happily, the engineering was sound and it became a legend.

Like a poor pub covers band. Oh gawd. Not Mustang Sally…

That’s the biggest problem today. You won’t create a legend by making something that looks a bit like an old car, in the same way that you won’t make it big as a band by performing tuneless covers of successful songs. There’s very little bravery out there now. I’d argue that there has been very little produced in recent years that’s even slightly interesting. The Renault Avantime, Smart, Honda Insight, Chevrolet Volt and Nissan Leaf have all had a hint of magic about them, but the main problem seems to be that the motoring world lacks an Issigonis, Spen King, Vincenzo Lancia or André Lefèbvre. Radical ideas that might change the world are seemingly too risky. It’s ‘safe, sales success’ all the way – which is why I’ll stick to old cars. After all, I prefer it when my French cars feel VERY French.

I’ve had an exceedingly busy week, trying to earn actual money, but I shall finally put finger to keyboard to talk about the Coventry Transport Festival – specifically the excellent road run that I encountered on Sunday.

How big do you like your Jaguars?

There’s an enormous Jaguar MkX for a start. Not my favourite Jaguar due to their sheer size, but marvellous all the same. Besides, it allows me to trot out my favourite statistic – that this, the widest UK production car of its time, is actually narrower than a Jaguar F-Type! As long as you include the F-Type’s door mirrors. Wow. I always felt the MkX just didn’t quite manage graceful, despite Sir William Lyons’ best efforts. It’s just  a bit too big! The 420 is a much better effort. Less huge, better balanced and almost entirely ignored today.

Cor! Alfa Romeo Montreal V8 in a stunning colour

Or how about an Alfa Romeo Montreal? I don’t care if it’s any good or not, it looks and sounds majestic. Only an Italian styling house – Bertone in this case – could get away with those delicate eyelashes over the headlamps. Hardly surprising that Marcello Gandini is behind both cars. And the Citroen BX. One of life’s winners.

Not that I want you to think it was all exotic stuff. It wasn’t.

A stunning Sunbeam Rapier

These days, it almost seems more unusual to see a Sunbeam Rapier at a show than an Alfa Romeo Montreal. These Hillman Minx-based coupes were always stylish but oh so affordable back in the day. Old Billy Rootes certainly knew how to exploit a platform. Something Volkswagen seem to have taken on board. Ironic given that Mr Rootes himself regarded the Beetle as hopeless…

Anyway, I was very pleased to see this one, and even more pleased to see the whole family enjoying a trip out in it. What a lovely car. On a slightly different scale…

Monster! I’ve never seen one of these before

Feast your eyes upon this mightly Daimler DE36 Straight Eight Limousine. Powered by a 5.4-litre engine, it was the last production straight eight motor car in the UK – though this layout was used in Alvis military vehicles and some US cars for a while longer. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen one of these in the metal before. It makes that E-Type look like a Dinky toy.

Lastly, rather more my size!

Sporty little Hillman Imp

You just can’t beat an Imp. I’d far rather own one than a Mini. In fact, I simply must own one at some point. I have driven one, and found it huge fun. By the time this one was built in 1974, they’d ironed out most of the bugs. I always felt the Imp was wrongly lambasted for its foibles. It’s main rival, the Mini, seems to get away with being shoddily built, poorly developed and questionably engineered (no, I’m sorry, but it was overly compromised by Issigonis) yet somehow deflects flack much more successfully. I don’t mind imperfections in a car, but the poor Imp was always battling unfair criticism.

Anyway, that’s a very-edited selection from the Coventry Transport Festival. I may well try and catch it again next year and see if I can’t spend even more time documenting the run. As it happens, I was tight for time yet still managed to take over 600 photos this time! I hope you like those that made the cut.