cars

Single Tweet Road Tests

I’ve driven an awful lot of cars. I’m very grateful for this. Even before I became Ian Seabrook the motoring writer, I drove a lot of vehicles. I’m pretty sure I was up to 50 by the time I was 21. It allows me to give my opinions on a huge number of cars. I thought it might be fun to hurl some of these opinions out onto the internet via the medium of Twitter. The One Tweet Test (#1tweettest) was born. Stuff like this Ford Maverick.

And this Rolls-Royce Corniche convertible.

Though of course, I can mix it up with real-world tests of some surprising vehicles. Such as this colourful Bedford CF.

I’ve even Tweeted a test of a 1918 Wren steam engine, courtesy of the Vale of Rheidol Railway.

Go and have a mooch at what I’ve covered so far. More will be added in a fairly sporadic manner. I hope you enjoy them. Share if you do!

Sweet Music?

Owning a selection of cars is a lot like managing a rock band. Probably.

You need the right ingredients. After selling my Citroen BX, the ‘band’ that is my fleet felt out of balance. It was like the drummer had stopped mid-track and dropped his sticks. Don’t get me wrong though – the BX was no Keith Moon. Rather it was a bit of a Ringo Starr. Didn’t do anything spectacular really, but kept everything together (most of the time), though I don’t think the BX would be any good at narrating Thomas the Tank Engine. Sure, the stripey nature of the car and the trick suspension was perhaps a bit of an Octopus’s Garden, but generally, it provided the rhythm to fleet harmony. With the car gone, harmony departed with it and the fleet was unable to continue its career in any meaningful way. There was only one thing to do. Scout about for a new drummer. The Saab was chosen to fit that role, and while there have been some teething troubles (always tricky when a new musician joins an outfit) it’s poised to take on the Ringo role. Maybe a bit more jazzy like John Densmore of The Doors.

I did try a V8 Land Rover in the role of bassist, but it proved lacking in the thundering bass department, despite 3528cc of American-bred, aluminium engine. Perhaps that was the problem because the Scimitar fits the role rather well. The heavy V6 Essex engine bellow a strident bassline at the world. It isn’t the most exciting of bassists perhaps, lacking the zaniness of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers or sheer oddness of Roger Waters from the mighty Floyd, but it adds that all important lower level noise with plenty of style, while looking good in Seventies vinyl. Suzi Quatro it is then.

The colourful guitar stylings are naturally the home of the Citroen 2CV. It may only pack 602cc but crikey does that light-weight engine sing and scream! It’ll hurt your ears with its force, but don’t let the bark fool you – it’s all cuddly and nice really. Only one band fits the bill for me, being the only force of music that I’ve ever seen that left my ears ringing two days after the concert. After the final song, the lead singer/guitarist just stayed at the microphone and pleasantly asked whether everyone was having a nice time. Aw, he did seem nice. That man is Robb Flynn of Machine Head.

All this leaves the Mini a bit like Linda McCartney in Wings. Pointless and not really necessary. She needs to go, so if you can offer Betsy the Mini a new life, perhaps launching a range of vegetarian food and guest-starring in The Simpsons, please feel free to come and visit with your chequebook open.

The trouble with crap cars

In theory, cheap, crap cars are great. People just don’t want them, and so don’t rate them in the slightest. This makes them cheap. Cheap is good. The knack to buying a good cheap car is to find one that’s been in a long ownership. Don’t buy one that’s already done the rounds amongst the tight-fisted or unbothered – those who want a car to be as cheap as possible and therefore won’t spend a penny on its upkeep.

Tinkering with a Renault 21 Monaco

When owning older cars, be prepared for plenty of tinkering

However, you still need to be prepared for trouble to strike. Like my Saab. It hasn’t taken much work to get the cooling fan fixed but it was a day of my time (though I had to fit it around writing and actually earning some actual money). I don’t mind because that enforced tinkering helps me get familiar with my new steed. I now know it has a surprisingly good toolkit – immaculate and unused until yesterday. I know it now has fresh engine coolant and that when the temperature gauge goes up, the fan WILL cut in. I know where both fuseboxes are, and which relay is involved with cooling fan operation.

Saab's tools

Saab 9000 packs a mighty useful took-kit

Tinkering is an absolutely essential part of older car ownership. It saves an absolute fortune for a start. I used to suffer from a severe dislike of tinkering, but I think that was due to poor facilities and not enough tools. That and my own uselessness. I have little patience with myself. But while you don’t need to be a certified mechanic, it really does pay to know your way around your steed.

Is that knocking noise something that can be ignored or is the engine about to breathe its last? I have no tools and precious little equipment with me, can I still effect a repair using only shoelaces and gaffer tape? Even the art of limping home in a poorly car is an art form which thankfully, I possess. Driving a Mini with a failing condenser is an interesting experience and I once naughtily drove to a 2CV specialist with the brake lights operated by the headlight switch after a fault developed on the fuse panel. Several times, I’ve driven through city streets with no clutch. That’s always fun.

But I love it. Cars are so much more than tools to get from A to B. Yes, they demand attention almost as much as the bloody cat (but thankfully catch and shred less mice) but they reward as well – in financial terms, but also in spirit.

Ok, maybe this is me trying to put a gloss on the fact that the Saab could do with a new timing chain, the 2CV needs cylinder head work and the Scimitar has wiring (no, really?!) and steering issues. Clearly I must be wicked.